I never understood why ’21’ was the “big one” I guess is because it means you can drink in America, for me, 20 is my 21. I am no longer a teenager, I am now officially -technically – an adult. No more hiding behind my young age because once you hit 20 its like this weird shift happens, you’re on your own and all grown up now… but you also still live at home and are in education (if you go to university).
Turning 20 for me isn’t just a “big one” because I can no longer hide behind adolescence and teenage drama, its a big one because for a couple years now… my mental health had me believing that I wouldn’t make it to 20. See, I have these things called anxiety and depression, the anxiety is worse than the depression I now realise but either way, its not a fun time.
Turning 20 to me sort of means a step towards my future, one that I cannot control but can still be excited about, turning 20 to me was like saying “yeah, I’ll give this life thing a go” In the year in which I am 20 I will start and finish my first year at university, move to London alone and experience living with a chronic illness while having to look after myself. No mum to help me out of bed, no dog to help me up the stairs, no siblings to distract me!
I think I mentally put a lot on this birthday because of all of those things and because I was scared of them. The anxiety attacks I have are always about the future… or at least it starts with a little tiny thought about the future and turns into a big ol mess of worries and before you know it, I’m hyperventilating.
Suffice to say, with all kinds of crazy thoughts swirling around in my head, I am pretty proud to make it to this age, to survive that internal war, to make it out alive and not only that but to be excited a bout my future again!
Heres some birthday snaps
Harry Potter world with mum….
Thanks for reading, this was sort of a “one for me” type post! Look mum! I made it! Check out my Instagram for more pix like these!